How do you know when you’ve given a relationship your best, and that it’s time to move on?

Usually, by the time a couple present themselves for therapy, they would have spent months if not years trying to resolve the conflict they are experiencing. Research suggests that, on average, a couple first seeks professional help only six years after the onset of problems. This means that by the time they see a therapist, their problems have not only been compounded by years of many failed attempts to revive their relationship, but they also feel emotionally worn down and hopeless. Some might even have started making exit plans, such as separating their finances and seeing other people.

If this describes your situation, here are some questions you need to honestly ask yourself:

• What is keeping you from ending the relationship? Are these reasons compelling enough for you to work at changing the way you relate to your partner?
• Are you willing to examine your role in the dysfunctional cycle?
• If you could rekindle your desire for your partner, would you want that?
• How important are other people’s (partner, family, friends) feelings and opinions in deciding to stay or leave? Where is your own voice in this?

If you are married with children, you will of course need to consider the impact a divorce will have on them. Yet staying in a marriage characterized by high conflict or emotional disengagement may continue to fester a hostile or invalidating environment for children. Couples will do best to talk to a professional to learn ways to repair their relationship or part in ways least destructive to their children.

Your choices may get even more complicated if your partner is struggling with chronic mental health issues such as bipolar disorder, chemical dependency or a personality disorder. One the one hand, you want to remain sympathetic and supportive; on the other hand, you find yourself exhausted from having to shoulder the added responsibilities as a caregiver or, in some cases, from ongoing abuse by your partner. “Reaching the end of my rope” is how you might describe it. If this is the case, it would be vital for you to get support for yourself so you can manage your feelings better and have a clearer picture of what your options are.

No problem is too big or too small. If you would like to set up an appointment to discuss what your experiences have been and your present difficulties, I look forward to hearing from you.

© Ling Chua, MA, LMFT, and groundedself.com, 2019. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ling Chua, MA, LMFT and groundedself.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.